Self Love Project 8 Happy Halloween!

I surround myself with beautiful souls that help me strive for what I want and believe in

Purple Moose Portraits Halloween 2016 2

“I feel like I am grieving lately. I am grieving the loss of who I once was and what my future looks like. I love being a mother above all things but who else am I. I ponder this question daily wondering what the future holds for me. Do I follow my dreams or choose to be more reserved and let life play out. In these moments my inner battles sometimes take over and leave me feeling empty. So I surround myself with beautiful souls that help me strive for what I want and believe in. When faced with decisions I choose the ones that sometimes push my comfort zone or scare me. Excited to see what these moments and dreams bring…”
-Alex

 

 

…a positive affirmation that “I’m awesome” and kicking ass. As silly as it sounds pair that with a power stance and it’s almost like a cup of coffee!

“The shorter day’s are definitely making things seem harder then I feel like they should be.  But I try to keep up with a positive affirmation that “I’m awesome” and kicking ass. As silly as it sounds pair that with a power stance and it’s almost like a cup of coffee!
Purple Moose Portraits, Orange u creative, arielle logan,
I’m often hard on myself as an entrepreneur mixed with my roles as sister to my 4 year old brother, long-distance girlfriend, and a independent-self love- creative who has to take care of herself.  I had to have coffee with a friend of mine and she told me to relax – I get told that a lot it seems so I’m trying to remind myself of all I’ve done or events that have happened over my year… It has been 1 year since my grandfather passed away, 6 months since I left my marriage, 5ish months in my new relationship (Sometimes people come into your life when you make space for them). The past 3 months include a family tragedy, two part time jobs for some awesome Non-profits, a reno’d new office, I moved, and this October has been one of my busiest months since opening my studio officially in June 2015.  *breathe*

When I look at it this way I feel pretty strong. I try to enjoy my morning coffee while it’s hot, sitting on my couch without work and continue to move forward. I truly love what I do and love the life I live, I feel as I give something back and help women and men feel stronger and more beautiful through their experience here. So throughout this crazy year, and a crazy one a head, I say, “bring it.” For I am happy, healthy, and driven to be awesome and kick some ass. (though some days I stay in my PJ’s as blanket burrito and watch marvel and pixar movies)  ;)”
-Jen

 

Being given the opportunity to have and hold my baby changed everything.  Kids do that to you, and everyone’s so sick of hearing it, but it’s true.

Purple Moose Portraits Halloween 2016Amanda “oh god its intense, and long dear purple moose diary… lol” 

“There’s been lots on my mind lately, it feels like each year that passes, is the biggest year yet. Like we’ve snowballed into this semi terrifying catapult of adulthood that keeps getting faster and faster; the main catalyst being my children. Before kids I didn’t care where I lived, or how poorly I treated my body. Life was one hedonistic experience after the next. Doing whatever, for the hell of it and with much abandon. Life was slow going. Being given the opportunity to have and hold my baby changed everything.  Kids do that to you, and everyone’s so sick of hearing it, but it’s true. There’s no way it could not be true. I couldn’t leave my house for the first 2 weeks after having my daughter because my postpartum was an unshakeable and irrational fear that if I had my baby in out the open, a car would drive up off the road and kill her. Because the very body and mind that helped create my bundle of joy also decided a healthy blob of anxiety should be left in its place. Or maybe that was something else entirely.

ANYWAYS kids mess you up both literally and metaphorically. We just crossed the 1-year anniversary this Oct, the day I lost all ability to have any more children. It was an intense and unintentional tragic series of events that’s affected my emotional wellbeing for essentially this whole last year. We had just found out we were pregnant with our 3rd baby (oops!) and I can remember feeling so scared, there was something off feeling about this one. I wasn’t happy like the others. Looking back now I think I could feel the wrongness of the pregnancy. After an unbearable suddenly painful episode of contractions (I was only 4 weeks along and they felt like active labor pushing contractions) my best friend drove me to the hospital. That’s where we discovered it was ectopic (tube). I’ll never forget how crushing it was to look at an empty womb in the ultrasound knowing that the pain was because my pregnancy had burst through my fallopian tube. The guilt that I carried at that time for not being initially ecstatic when I first found out like my others. That somehow my lack of enthusiasm had been felt and that’s why it happened. If only I could have been happier, but that wasn’t it.

These things just happen and we’re not supposed to talk about it. Just get over it and try again or be grateful you have kids. Grief and loss is universal you can have babies at home and still grieve over your lost baby. That was a promise of a life; so precious you now cry over everything. Because, who thought it was even possible to make you an even more sensitive sap then you already are. What I wish I could tell myself this last year. My body is never working against me but for me and I had made a deeply regretting decision that day. I was so high on morphine things were moving I begged for it every 4 hours (the blood from internal bleeding was an irritant which is what made me feel like I was ready to push) I made the choice to remove the other perfectly fine and healthy tube rendering me sterile over a long period of confusion, extreme pain and heavy sedation. My deepest loss through it all was not just the pregnancy but all future pregnancies, I realized the moment I woke up it was wrong. I must have been hallucinating because I frantically asked a nurse if I still had my other tube and she said yes, and the relief that washed over my body was enough to show what I truly did and didn’t want. I wanted another chance. But after later revealing my feelings to the doc and going over what IVF would look like, I’ve accepted that’s no longer an option. I will never again birth another baby, I can still be grateful and loving to my two girls while allowing myself to truly feel the loss of my fertility. On the bad days my grief manifests itself as pregnancy symptoms, it seems so cruel. But I have to remind myself my body is working for me during these times, even if it doesn’t make sense. Its reminding me to take it slow and treat your body as though someone you love is growing inside it.”
-Amanda